End the Internal Struggle: Surrender to the Self

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By Wes Annac, The Culture of Awareness

You might think when you read my articles that I’m constantly uplifted or there’s never a moment that I’m not filled with the spirit and covered from head to toe in bliss, but in reality, the opposite is true.

I struggle as much as anyone else, and I’ve struggled a lot lately. I’ve struggled with the usual emotions and uncertainties we all face, and I’ve felt lost, disconnected and unable to find any solid spiritual/emotional ground to stand on.

I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough; like I’m not doing enough; like I’m doing too much and need to take a break to connect with that essential inner spark; like I don’t deserve this amazing, blessed life.

My articles might paint a picture of someone who’s always uplifted (I don’t write when I’m in a low place), but my internal conflicts have been so severe that I’ve almost wanted to take some time off and go find some quiet nature spot to meditate for about a week.

It won’t happen, but it’s crossed my mind a few times.

I’m realizing something crucial about myself, which is that I have self-victimizing and self-defeating tendencies. You might not know this about me, but I tend to let every little thing bring me so far down that getting back up is a huge struggle.

Simple, small things can send me down a destructive path of anger, fear, frustration, uncertainty or, again, self-victimization. I often become a wreck if things don’t go exactly the way I plan, and my poor loved ones are left to deal with the fallout by having to listen as I pour my frustration into them.

I sometimes take advantage of my loved ones’ willingness to be there for me by exaggerating or overhyping my troubles, and the tendency to make mountains out of molehills increases the intensity of the inner conflicts I deal with every day.

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I’ve been searching for a reason why I’ve had so much trouble, and a profound realization has gradually hit. Basically, all this trouble (and the depression that comes with it) is intended to lead me to release my ego-driven grip on reality.

A lot of spiritual seekers have come out against condemning the ego, and for good reason. It isn’t the boogeyman it’s been made out to be, but we’ll still want to keep it in check if we want to get through life with our greater awareness intact.

Ever since I decided to pursue writing, music and blogging together, which I’ve changed my mind on about a hundred times, I haven’t really been able to release my grip on life.

I haven’t been able to open up to God/Jah/Source in a real way, and despite that I’ve been writing about spirituality every day, I almost feel like I’ve lost touch with my spiritual roots.

My wife recently commented that I seemed a lot happier when I was actively channeling. When I routinely became a conduit for those greater spiritual forces, which required a lot of work but not as much pressure, I seemed a lot more fulfilled and satisfied with life.

This leads me to think that what I’m missing is an emptied mind/ego and a clear connection with Source, which I now know I have to work to cultivate.

I’ve been so caught up with the blog and the various forms of creativity I want to embrace that I’ve forgotten my original intention: to be a conduit for this greater aspect of my consciousness I want so badly to connect with.

It’s interesting that I want to connect with it, and yet, I’m the one who’s unwittingly prevented the connection.

Instead of remembering the crucial advice we’ve been given from various spiritual teachers to let Source work through us instead of working without that divine input and assistance, I’ve looked to writing and music to solely provide my sense of love and spirituality.

In doing this, I’ve starved myself of the greater wholeness and spirituality that comes with a sustained connection.

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I now remember what my purpose is and has always been – to “let God work through me” as a lot of spiritual teachers have said – and this remembrance has already allowed me to reduce some of the pressure I ordinarily put on myself.

The reason I’ve been through such a difficult, destructive, heart-wrenching evolutionary process lately is because I’m being led to transcend and let go of all of the aspects of my false self that no longer serve me.

A lot of spiritual teachers and writers differentiate between the ‘self’ (ego) and the Self (Source; Jah; the Father), and I’m realizing that I’ve been working solely from the limited perspective of the conditioned self.

Instead of opening up and allowing the omnipotent God consciousness to speak through me, I’ve relied solely on myself and my own mind/ego to produce work that’s meant to come from a purely egoless space.

Because of this, I’ve made myself miserable and given myself plenty of troubles to complain about, and I’ve made life harder for the people I’m closest with.

The realization that we really are meant to open up and let Source work and live through us is incredibly liberating and empowering, and while my problems aren’t all solved, I think I’ve taken the first significant steps.

To find true love, bliss and wholeness, spiritual seekers aren’t meant to look to the external or even to themselves in an ego-driven sense. They’re meant to look deep within and connect with Source, who’s a God of pure love and creativity, and let life flow from there.

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They’re meant to eradicate their sense of self; that pervasive “I” that frequently captures and holds on to their attention, and by no means is it easy. Just look at how much I’ve talked about the “I” (myself) throughout this article.

It’s never a simple process, but we have to persevere. We also have to explore the silence of the sacred self, and until we’re comfortable sitting in contemplative stillness for long periods of time (which frightens and excites me), we’ll always struggle to know our true Self.

The true Self is found in the calm, blissful silence we can access at any time, and we don’t have to embrace any specific meditative practice to find it. All we have to do is release our mind-driven pressure and simply exist, free of any worries, concerns or attempts to expand the meditative silence.

I’ll probably start writing a lot more reports around the advice of spiritual teachers who’ve glimpsed that omnipotent consciousness in a way that a lot of us haven’t yet been able to, and no matter what I write or how I work, I’ll remember to open the mind and become a conduit for love and Source.

Even if I have to deal with writer’s block or I struggle in another way, I’ll know its all part of the process and I’ll let whatever happens, happen. This is a radical change from how I’ve been handling things, and I think I’m ready to let all the stress and pressure go.

I think I’m ready to live simply yet passionately, and I know I’m ready to let love and Source fill my perception like they once did.

I might not directly channel like I used to, except for the intuitive “Voice Within” messages I occasionally post, but I know that writing is one of the most potent ways to allow Source or my intuition to speak through me.

I feel like my purpose, beyond transcending that pesky “I” that I’m still feeding right now by talking so much about myself, is to be a conduit for this higher consciousness, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

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I’m ready to get to a place where none of life’s stresses, big or small, can bring me down. I’m ready to live calmly and simply yet with a fire in my heart that allows me to express my Self whenever the inspiration arises, and I’m ready to stop making things so hard on myself and the people around me.

I might not necessarily be the person I come across as in my writings, but I am a sincere, genuine spiritual seeker who’s trying to find the Formless like the rest of you. Part of me wants to say I’m only human, but another, wiser part of me knows better.

I’m Source in a currently limited form (like everyone else), and I’m trying to expand my Godliness by handing my creativity over to my creator. I hope you’ll all appreciate the material that results, and even as I come to the end of this article, I know I still have some inner work to do.

I also know that to deprive myself of the crucial meditative time I can use to do that work would be to reinforce this illusory barrier between me and Source’s elevated consciousness, so beyond being a conduit, the best thing I can do is embrace the silence.

Maybe staying silent in the mind during a creative session is the best way to creatively flow or let Source speak through us, and it’d make sense to empty the mind before and during a creative session so we can get the most out of our heart-centered creativity.

I’ll ponder this (and plenty of other things) during the next writing or meditating session, and for now, I hope this article has helped those of you who’ve also struggled with releasing your earthly identity into the ethers.

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To quote reggae artist Matisyahu, “you got to give yourself up and then you become whole”. There’s no way around it, and the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can spare ourselves an infinite amount of unnecessary pain and suffering.

We’ll get there when we’re ready, and I’m just starting to reach this egoless space of pure, unfiltered awareness.

Everything gets easier when we can open up to our higher consciousness and accept that we are God, and we’ll continue to struggle until we realize this and take some solid steps to expand on our inherent Godliness, which the rest of the world is still tragically unaware of.

Photos: No copyright infringement intended.

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I’m a twenty-one year old writer, blogger, musician and channel for the creative expression of the inner universe, and I created The Culture of Awareness daily news site.

The Culture of Awareness features daily spiritual and alternative news, articles I’ve written, and more. Its purpose is to awaken and uplift by providing material about the fall of the planetary elite and a new paradigm of unity and spirituality.

I’ve contributed to a few different spiritual websites including The Master Shift, Waking Times, Golden Age of Gaia, Wake Up World and Expanded Consciousness. I can also be found on Facebook (Wes Annac and The Culture of Awareness) and Twitter, and I write a paid weekly newsletter that you can subscribe to for $11.11 a month here.

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3 thoughts on “End the Internal Struggle: Surrender to the Self

  1. Thank you so much, Wes. I can really relate to what you are sharing. When I read, “I’ve almost wanted to take some time off and go find some quiet nature spot to meditate for about a week. It won’t happen, but it’s crossed my mind a few times.”, I was struck by the awareness that THAT is EXACTLY what I have come to understand that I need to do right now; that is, let go of the belief that my day has to look a certain way in order to be “judged” by me as “productive”, and take the time to honor the call of my spirit. The “doing”, though productive, has not been adequately balanced with the “being”. As a result, I recognize that I am out-of-balance. So, I see my work right now as letting go of my ego belief that my day has to look and/or feel a particular way to have “value”. Instead, I’m CARING to honor the call of my heart to set time aside for me in this moment of now so that I can reconnect fully with my divine nature and the path before me. I know at the soul level that direction will come and clarity will manifest. It occurs to me too that the natural way of a work day will look nothing like the way I have “believed” it should look, but will instead well up from within and have a natural weave and flow that will vary from day to day and moment to moment. Aaahhh! To be at one with oneself and all else. Bliss!

    Thank you again for all you do…and many, many blessings and joys!

    Judy Gilmore

    Like

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